How To Rekindle Desire in A Long-Term Relationship: Insights from Esther Perel
In long-term relationships, many couples find themselves grappling with a paradox: the more secure and predictable their bond becomes, the more elusive desire can feel. Love thrives on closeness and familiarity, but desire often requires distance, mystery, and novelty.
How do you navigate the delicate balance between the domestic and the erotic?
Renowned relationship therapist Esther Perel offers profound insights into sustaining desire, as explored in her acclaimed course, Playing with Desire. In this post, we delve into the roots of desire, practical exercises to cultivate erotic energy, and tips for building an environment that fosters intimacy.
The Roots of Desire in Long-Term Relationships
Desire isn’t just about sexual attraction; it’s about vitality, curiosity, and the energy we bring to ourselves and our relationships. Here are the key insights from Esther Perel:
Longing and Individuality
Desire is deeply rooted in longing, a sense of wanting something that isn’t entirely ours. This longing can be rekindled by seeing our partners with fresh eyes and remembering that they exist as complex, independent individuals outside the confines of the relationship.
Research in relationship psychology supports this idea by highlighting the importance of maintaining individuality and autonomy to sustain attraction in long-term partnerships. A 2019 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that couples who engage in novel and exciting activities together report higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction.
The Role of Imagination
Another significant factor is the role of imagination. Neuroscience reveals that anticipation activates the brain’s reward system, fueling desire. By fantasising or viewing our partner through a lens of curiosity, we tap into this neurological response, creating a sense of longing that can reignite passion.
Moreover, the prefrontal cortex, which is involved in planning and imagination, plays a key role in sustaining desire. Fantasizing about future experiences or seeing your partner in a new light stimulates these areas, fostering a renewed sense of attraction. When couples intentionally cultivate these moments, they can tap into the neurological mechanisms that underpin desire and intimacy.
Ask yourself:
When are you most drawn to your partner?
Perhaps it’s when they’re in their element, doing something they love, when you reunite after time apart, when they surprise you or when you see them through someone else’s perspective.
These moments remind us of “otherness,” an essential component of erotic charge. This “otherness” contrasts with the closeness and predictability of love, creating the tension that fuels desire.
Cultivating Erotic Energy: Exercises for Couples
Esther Perel encourages couples to explore exercises that blend playfulness, honesty, and creativity. One effective exercise is practising the “7 Verbs of Desire’’: ask, take, receive, give, share, refuse, and play.
For example:
Ask: Request something that excites you, like a slower kiss or a specific touch.
Take: Allow yourself to be selfish occasionally, prioritizing your own pleasure.
Receive: Open yourself up to your partner’s affection, letting them truly see and understand you.
Couples can explore these verbs in both sexual and non-sexual contexts, reflecting on which feel natural and which require more effort. This intentional practice fosters deeper communication and a renewed sense of connection.
Embracing the Erotic Mind: Imagination and Fantasy
Perel also dives into the importance of imagination and fantasy. Fantasies are windows into our deeper emotional needs and desires. They don’t always align with our values or reality, and they don’t have to. They are a playground for exploring what excites and energizes us, often offering insights into how we can enhance our shared intimacy.
To tap into this energy, you can try exercises like creating a new scenario or reflecting on recurring fantasies.
These activities aren’t necessarily about acting them out but understanding the feelings they evoke and the needs they meet. Sharing fantasies with your partner, when done with trust and care, can open new doors to intimacy and connection.
Building an Erotic Environment: Tips for Intimacy
Sometimes, rekindling desire is about small, intentional changes. Perel’s course encourages couples to craft an environment conducive to intimacy. Here are some practical tips:
Lighting and ambience:
Dimming the lights, tidying up, or adding sensory elements like candles or music tailored to the mood can shift the space from functional to erotic.
Engage the senses:
Introduce scented candles or essential oils to stimulate olfactory pleasure. Soft fabrics and comfortable seating can also add a tactile dimension.
Teamwork makes the dream work:
Make the experience collaborative by working together to choose elements that evoke desire and comfort—whether it’s sharing a bottle of wine, preparing a favourite meal, or rearranging the bedroom to prioritise intimacy over functionality.
The key is intentionality. Each adjustment should create an atmosphere of pleasure and connection without feeling like a chore.
Remember, creating an erotic environment isn’t just about aesthetics; it’s about engaging the senses and fostering a space where both partners feel safe, relaxed and open.
By treating the shared space as a sanctuary for connection, couples can lay the groundwork for renewed passion.
The Art of Savoring: Mindfulness in Relationships
Desire flourishes when we slow down and savour the moment. Whether it’s through touch, taste, or shared experiences, learning to pause and fully immerse yourself in the present can heighten intimacy.
Couples can practice this through exercises like savouring a piece of chocolate, focusing on its texture, flavour, and the pleasure it brings. This practice of mindfulness can translate into deeper connections in other areas of the relationship.
Reignite Your Connection: Final Thoughts and Next Steps
Desire in long-term relationships doesn’t happen by chance. It’s an ongoing process of discovery, curiosity, and intention. By blending familiarity with novelty, honesty with playfulness, and comfort with a touch of mystery, couples can sustain the spark that initially brought them together.
For those looking to dive deeper into these concepts, Esther Perel’s course Playing with Desire offers a wealth of exercises and insights, inviting couples to explore, connect, and rediscover each other in ways that bring vitality back into their relationship.