Relational Trauma and Romantic Relationships: How Childhood and Adult Wounds Shape Love
Traumatic experiences within our closest relationships, whether in childhood or later in life, can leave deep emotional wounds that shape how we love and connect. Psychologists often use the term relational trauma to describe harm that occurs in the context of intimate or attachment relationships, for example, abuse by a caregiver, domestic violence, or betrayal by a trusted partner.
Such interpersonal traumas are uniquely damaging because they violate our fundamental expectations of trust and safety with others[1]. In fact, trauma that involves a betrayal of trust is more likely to lead to conditions like PTSD than trauma from impersonal events[1]. Many of the difficulties trauma survivors face, including mistrust, emotional numbness, anger, and avoidance, play out directly in how they relate to other people[1].
It’s no surprise that romantic relationships can become a minefield of triggers and challenges for those with unresolved trauma.
This article explores how childhood trauma and later-life trauma can negatively impact romantic relationships, with a look at new hope emerging through healing treatments such as psychedelic-assisted therapy.
How Childhood Trauma Shapes Adult Romantic Relationships
Childhood is where we learn our earliest lessons about love, trust, and safety. A child who is abused, neglected, or consistently hurt by caregivers learns that relationships may not be safe. Research shows that childhood trauma often carries forward into adult life, undermining the ability to form healthy romantic bonds. Adults with a history of childhood maltreatment are significantly more likely to experience problems in their romantic relationships [2].
Early abuse or neglect disrupts the fundamental sense of security needed for healthy emotional development [3]. Even when trauma is not physical, psychological harm can be lasting. Children who grow up with constant criticism, manipulation, or exposure to conflict may internalise these dynamics as “normal”[4].
As therapist Kaytee Gillis notes, survivors of childhood abuse often normalise red flags, finding themselves drawn to partners who exhibit the very behaviours that once hurt them, because those patterns feel familiar [5].
This unconscious repetition of trauma is sometimes called repetition compulsion or trauma bonding — a drive to replay unresolved wounds in an attempt to overcome them[6]. Unfortunately, this often leads survivors to recreate cycles of abuse or dysfunction in their adult relationships.
How Childhood Trauma Affects Attachment Styles
One significant way childhood trauma impacts adult relationships is through its effect on attachment styles. Attachment theory explains how our early relational experiences create templates for how we connect later in life.
A safe, responsive upbringing tends to produce securely attached adults who find it natural to trust partners and communicate openly. But traumatic childhood experiences such as abuse, abandonment, or having an emotionally unavailable caregiver can instead foster insecure attachment patterns[7][8].
Attachment Anxiety and Avoidance
A child who learns that love comes with inconsistency or harm may grow into an adult with attachment anxiety (constantly fearing abandonment and seeking reassurance) or an avoidant stance (fearing closeness and trying not to depend on others). Research confirms that childhood adversity often “shapes” these insecure styles, which then cause challenges in adult romance[7][8].
One study noted that trauma can make individuals “overly dependent on attachment figures and susceptible to attachment anxiety,” meaning they may become clingy or fearful of rejection with partners[8].
On the other hand, some trauma survivors develop an avoidant armour, keeping emotional distance to protect themselves, especially if early trust was deeply betrayed [9]. These trauma-linked attachment styles directly affect relationship quality.
Impact on Relationship Satisfaction
Securely attached partners generally communicate better, trust each other more, and feel more satisfied in their relationships [8]. In contrast, anxious or avoidant individuals tend to struggle: Anxiously attached people might experience intense fear of abandonment, jealousy, and low trust and satisfaction in relationships [8].
Avoidantly attached individuals often have trouble with intimacy and may seem emotionally distant or quick to withdraw when conflicts arise. Thus, the very coping strategies that helped a child survive a harmful environment, such as suppressing emotions or staying hyper-vigilant to signs of danger, can later undermine their ability to maintain a stable, loving partnership.
Childhood Trauma and Emotional Regulation in Relationships
Another legacy of childhood trauma is difficulty with emotional regulation and communication. Children raised in chaotic or frightening homes don’t learn healthy ways to express their feelings, set boundaries or resolve conflicts.
As adults, they might:
Suppress their emotions to avoid conflict
Explode when overwhelmed
Shut down during difficult conversations
Interpret neutral interactions as signs of danger
Studies have found that emotion suppression is one pathway through which early trauma harms relationship satisfaction [10]. If you’ve been punished or ignored for showing emotion as a child, you might default to stonewalling or emotional withdrawal, which can create distance and misunderstanding between partners. Conversely, someone who witnessed yelling or violence in their family might come to view aggression as a normal response to stress, risking aggressive outbursts with loved ones.
Psychologist John Gottman’s research has shown that couples stuck in negative emotional patterns (like constant criticism, defensiveness, or stonewalling) have lower relationship satisfaction and are more likely to split up [11]. Unfortunately, trauma can prime a person to either shut down or overreact during conflicts, making it harder to find the calm, constructive middle ground that healthy communication requires.
How Childhood Trauma Damages Trust in Relationships
Trust is one of the most vulnerable casualties of relational trauma. Judith Herman, a trauma expert, observed that people who endured abuse as children often remain in a state of helplessness and struggle to establish trust even years later. When the very people who were meant to protect a child cause harm, betrayal becomes encoded into relational expectations.
As adults, survivors may:
Expect betrayal or abandonment
Become hypersensitive to signs of rejection
Experience jealousy, controlling behaviours, or emotional withdrawal
Avoid deep intimacy because closeness feels risky
Childhood abuse disrupts a basic sense of safety required to form healthy bonds. Survivors may remain guarded or settle for abusive partners because they feel undeserving of healthy love [13]. It’s important to note that not every person with a traumatic childhood is doomed to unhappy relationships; many people work hard to break the cycle. However, as multiple studies and clinical observations show, the deck is unfortunately stacked against those with unresolved trauma.
Large surveys have linked adverse childhood experiences with a higher likelihood of adult relationship problems and divorce. One analysis found that individuals who suffered emotional abuse in childhood were significantly more likely to report marital dissatisfaction in adulthood [14]. A review of studies concluded that three key themes often emerge across trauma survivors’ relationships: insecure attachment styles, emotional dysregulation, and lower relationship quality [15].
In sum, early trauma can cast a long shadow over one’s love life - shaping who we’re drawn to, how we behave with partners, and even how we feel about ourselves within relationships.
Trauma in Adulthood and Its Impact on Romantic Relationships
While childhood trauma lays the foundations, trauma experienced in adulthood can also disrupt intimate relationships. Many adults experience trauma within romantic partnerships, such as domestic violence, sexual assault, severe betrayal, such as infidelity or abandonment, or they develop trauma symptoms from external events (combat, accidents, loss) that they bring into the relationship.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and related trauma reactions in adulthood often wreak havoc on couples. Even when partners love each other, trauma symptoms like flashbacks, anxiety, depression, or irritability can create misunderstandings and distance.
People with PTSD frequently struggle with negative self-image and mistrust of others, which directly impacts how they interact with a spouse or partner. As researcher Steffany Fredman explains, individuals with PTSD often “view themselves and other people negatively, and the resulting mistrust, anger, avoidance, withdrawal and emotional numbing” put enormous strain on their romantic relationships [16].
For example, a trauma survivor might become easily irritated or emotionally unavailable, leaving their partner feeling shut out; in turn, relationship conflicts and isolation can exacerbate the survivor’s PTSD symptoms. Fredman describes this as a self-perpetuating cycle: trauma-related behaviours like aggression, shutting down, or pulling away fuel relationship discord, and that ongoing discord then maintains or even worsens the PTSD, since the person never feels truly safe or understood [17]. Unless something breaks the cycle, it can continue indefinitely, with both partners feeling hurt.
Triggers, Emotional Reactivity, and the Demand–Withdraw Cycle
Trauma survivors may also have strong emotional triggers that loved ones unintentionally set off. Romantic relationships are inherently emotional; they involve vulnerability, interdependence, and occasionally conflict. For someone with unhealed trauma, these intense emotions can be landmines.
Research shows that individuals with PTSD often experience strong feelings such as anger, fear, and sadness as dangerous or overwhelming, because such feelings were present during their trauma, and they may perceive even normal relationship emotions as threats [18]. This means a survivor might overreact to an argument or even to positive intimacy if it stirs up memories of past hurt.
They might freeze, flee, or fight when triggered, lashing out aggressively or, conversely, withdrawing and shutting down the conversation [19]. Their partner, not understanding the reaction, might then push harder or also withdraw, leading to classic communication breakdowns.
A common trauma-linked pattern is the demand–withdraw cycle:
One partner seeks reassurance or resolution through pursuit, criticism or emotional demands
The other shuts down, avoids, or dissociates under emotional pressure
The more one pursues, the more the other distances. This pattern leaves issues unresolved and both parties frustrated. Studies indicate that unresolved conflict and poor communication like this can reinforce the survivor’s feeling that relationships are unsafe, thus reinforcing PTSD symptoms and negative beliefs [20].
How Partners Are Affected: Secondary Trauma and Burnout
It’s not only the survivor who suffers; their partners do as well. Being in a close relationship with someone who has significant trauma can lead to secondary trauma or burnout in the supporting partner.
They may feel confused by the survivor’s mood swings, hurt by emotional unavailability, or even fearful if the survivor becomes enraged or despondent. Sometimes partners start walking on eggshells, trying to accommodate the trauma by taking on all household duties because the survivor is depressed, or avoiding any difficult topics to prevent triggers.
While meant kindly, this “behavioural accommodation” can inadvertently reinforce the PTSD by shrinking the couple’s life around the disorder [21].
A very supportive partner who encourages open expression can be a stabilising force. In fact, positive social support is known to buffer some negative effects of trauma [12][22]. Trauma survivors who feel truly supported by loved ones tend to cope better than those who feel alone. Unfortunately, building that support isn’t easy when trauma keeps inserting doubt and conflict into the relationship.
Breaking the Cycle of Relational Trauma: Traditional Approaches and Psychedelic Therapy
Healing from relational trauma is absolutely possible. Traditional approaches like individual trauma-focused therapy (e.g. EMDR or trauma-focused CBT), couples therapy, and attachment-based therapies can help survivors and their partners understand how trauma is affecting their relationship and develop healthier ways of connecting. A therapist might teach a couple to recognise trauma triggers versus present-day issues so that they can respond to each other with empathy rather than defensiveness.
Over time, with consistent effort, many people do learn to trust again, communicate better, and even experience “post-traumatic growth” – positive psychological changes born from working through trauma. Growth in areas like relating to others and appreciating life is an important sign of holistic trauma recovery [25].
MDMA-Assisted Couples Therapy Findings
Studies have found that treating PTSD in a dyadic (couple) setting can both reduce trauma symptoms and improve the relationship.
In one pilot study, six couples where one partner had chronic PTSD went through a course of Cognitive-Behavioural Conjoint Therapy (a form of couple therapy for PTSD) combined with two sessions of MDMA-assisted therapy.
The results were striking: both the patients and their partners reported increased intimacy and feeling more supported and closer to each other, as well as fewer conflicts; the PTSD sufferers also showed improved overall functioning and empathy for their partners [26]. These changes held up even six months later.
This small study suggests that when you address trauma and the relationship together, even using innovative methods, there can be powerful synergistic healing.
Psilocybin Therapy and Relationship Repair
Psilocybin has shown therapeutic potential relevant to relational healing. Biologically, it acts on serotonin receptors and can induce a state of heightened emotional awareness and cognitive flexibility.
Studies have found that psilocybin sessions can boost emotional empathy, making people more able to feel and recognise others’ emotions without impairing thinking [33]. In one experiment, a dose of psilocybin increased participants’ emotional empathy and their sense of connection to others, while also reducing feelings of social pain or rejection [34].
Psychologically, psilocybin often facilitates deep introspection and new perspectives on one’s life. Trauma survivors might confront a painful memory during a psilocybin-assisted therapy session but see it with fresh eyes – perhaps realising “It wasn’t my fault” or finding compassion for their younger self. This kind of breakthrough can relieve long-held shame and fear that previously made intimacy difficult.
While no large-scale trials have specifically examined psilocybin for improving romantic relationships yet, anecdotal reports and small studies are encouraging.
Some couples who have participated in guided psychedelic sessions (in research or therapeutic settings) report experiencing profound increases in openness and understanding with their partner. They often describe a breakdown of emotional walls and a feeling of “rediscovering each other” with fresh empathy.
In one account by a therapist, a couple on the brink of emotional disconnection used a guided psilocybin experience to rekindle their bond, with the husband, typically avoidant and closed-off, being able to express vulnerability and affection in ways he never had before, while the wife released deep-seated feelings of shame [35].
Many couples say that during a psychedelic-assisted session, they achieved levels of communication and mutual forgiveness that would have taken months or years to reach through talk therapy alone. They report outcomes like enhanced empathy and communication, increased trust, and a sense of shared intimacy or “oneness” that persists after the session [36].
A commentary in Frontiers in Psychology even suggested that psilocybin experiences, by reducing defences and increasing emotional attunement, could help couples resolve long-standing conflicts and deepen their emotional connection [37].
Emerging Research from Imperial College and Beautiful Space
Researchers at Imperial College are now trying to understand this better. By collaborating with The Beautiful Space Centre in the Netherlands, they are collecting data on couples undergoing our 3-month couples program involving relationship therapy and a guided shared high-dose of psilocybin mushrooms. The results of this study will shed some initial light on the potential of psilocybin for relational healing.
A Hopeful Perspective on Healing Trauma in Relationships with Psychedelics
It’s important to stress that this work is still in its early stages. Psychedelic-assisted therapy is conducted in controlled environments with thorough preparation and integration after the experience. And while outcomes so far are promising (e.g. significant reductions in PTSD symptoms and even reports of improved family relationships after psilocybin or MDMA therapy) [38][39], it’s not a magic bullet.
Not everyone will respond the same way, and these substances carry risks and require professional oversight. That said, as research progresses, we may soon see these therapies move into mainstream use.
Overall, such findings underscore a hopeful message: trauma, even when rooted in our closest relationships, can often be healed through relationships, especially when aided by tools such as psilocybin that enhance compassion and understanding.